"It really sinks in, when I see it in stone"

Its been a while since I have posted anything. Something that has been heavy on my mind lately is a dream I had a few days ago. I had a dream that Braxton was with me and I was feeding him and all of the sudden I look down and he had these white spots all over him. It was really gross but these spots started oozing like he was deteriorating. I started freaking out and running around yelling for help. I remember panicking and trying to find my dr. so he could help my Braxton, but no one was there to help. Right after that I woke up. I didn't think much about it till later that day when I was listening to a song by Miranda Lambert. It talks about how her friend died and it says
"cuz you went away, how dare you. I miss you. They say I'll be ok, but I'm never going to get over you." In that song it talks about her friends headstone and it makes me think of where my baby is and I thought about the dream I had that night. In my dream, it was just a reality of what really is happening to my babies body.
The night before we buried Braxton was not a happy night at all. We had just gotten home to Panaca and I had always pictured bringing my baby home and showing him off, but I never expected it happening like this. I know everyone could tell I really wasn't myself that night. I feel really bad cuz as much as losing my baby hurt me, I could see how hurt my family was and how hurt Josh's family was and that almost hurt me worse to see them hurting. I like to bring happiness and laughter to people not sadness and that's what I was bringing, so it was really hard for me. But that night I thought about where I was going to be laying my baby for the last time and I couldn't face the facts. Before we went to bed, My dad and mom, Josh and I were talking and somehow we got on the subject of burying Braxton and that's when I broke down and expressed how I was feeling. I couldn't imagine putting my baby in the cold hard ground. What kind of mom was I to put dirt on my baby and leave him there? I was horrified by the fact that I had to do that and I still am. I didn't want to do it. I didn't want that day to start or happen.
I told Josh and my parents that and we got to talking about the pioneers and what kind of things they had to do. I started feeling a little selfish because at least I get to visit my babies grave, they had to leave their babies for the wolves. My dad had quoted the Prophet Joseph Smith and what he had to say about babies like Braxton and it really touched a soft spot in my heart and I think about it all the time. This is what he had to say,
"The lord takes many away, even in infancy that they may escape the envy of man and the sorrows and evils of this present world. They were too pure, too lovely to live on earth."
and also
"the infant child that was laid away in death would come up in the resurrection as a child" and pointing to the mother of a lifeless child, he said to her, "you will have the joy, the pleasure, and the satisfaction of nurturing this child after its resurrection until it reaches the full stature of its spirit."
After my dad had mentioned these two quotes, I was able to settle down a bit. Of course no mother ever wants to lay their baby in the ground, but to think of where he is, who he is with, and how perfect he is, makes a mom proud! I hate thinking about where my babies body is at. I know it's really weird, but I think about it all the time. I think about his poor deteriorating body and it hurts so bad! I was telling Josh the other day that as a family we use to go out to that cemetery and play hide n' seek right where his body is now. That was our counting spot, but now its where my baby lays. My babies body is just a few feet under and sometimes I think I'm crazy because I want to go unburry him, save him, take him away, and warm his poor body up. I'm some spyco lady,  I swear.... who thinks of that, but I'd be lying if I said I haven't thought about doing it a time or two.....  I know I'm just hurting myself more by thinking that. And, inside I know that that's not where he really is. He is with me. We have a quote in our bedroom that says, " Those we love don't go away... they walk beside us everyday. Unseen, unheard, but always near, still loved missed and very dear." and I know that is where he really is.... right beside Josh and I. Looking over us, protecting us, and loving us.
I got these next two pictures from Nykele the other day and I couldn't help but fall more in love with this little boy. Who ever thought I could love someone else's child this much! Her boys brings happiness to my heart and I just love them!