"I Drive His Jeep"

It's one of those nights where I can't sleep and I'm holding Braxton's baby blanket, listening to Josh talking in his sleep, and the rain sprinkle on the window (yes it's raining in the middle of the winter in Rexburg, Idaho.... crazy right?), and I'm looking at pictures reminiscing on what could have been. I'm still so jealous of other women and that they can hold and snuggle their babies. I remember how excited we all were for our sweet little boy to make his big entrance and in an instant, our dreams were crushed. I have so many reminders on what I don't have. Even the most simple thing like driving in my car, I think about the fact that I don't have a car seat with a baby in the back and it kills me. I find myself looking into cars now to see if they are lucky enough to have a car seat in their backseat. (Creeper right?)
I talked a little about this on facebook, but the other day I was driving home from work and the song "I drive your truck" by Lee Brice came on and I paid real close attention to the words and I was in tears, hoping the other drivers weren't being creepers like i am and seeing how crazy I looked. This is the part of the song that gets me everytime!

I leave that radio playin'
The same ole country station
Where you left it

Yeah, man, I crank it up
You'd probably punch my arm right now
If you saw this tear rollin' down my face
Hey, man, I'm tryin' to be tough

And Mama asked me this mornin'
If I'd been by your grave
But that flag of stone
Ain't where I feel you, anyway

I've cussed, I've prayed, I've said goodbye
I've shook my fist and asked God why
These days, when I'm missin' you this much

I drive your truck
I roll every window down
And I burn up
Every back road in this town
I find a field, and I tear it up
Till all the pain is a cloud of dust
Yes, sometimes,
I drive your truck

That's not exactly how the song goes. I've chopped it up a bit to show my favorite words, but for some reason, this song really hits home. I know this doesn't really go with my situation, but in a way it does. We got a jeep when i was eight months pregnant with Braxton and Josh always thought it was going to be Braxton's jeep when he grew up. He saw himself teaching our son how to drive in it. Josh's dad loves jeeps, Josh loves jeeps, and he wanted to pass that down to Braxton also. When we first got the jeep, Josh and I thought we would take it out for a ride and of course there was snow and it had been raining all day so everything was muddy and very slick. We came to a steep hill and despite the fact that we have been stuck trying to come back up that hill before in very similar circumstances and the fact that i told Josh we probably wouldn't be able to make it back up again, we went down, and of course we couldn't get back out. So we tried going another way. Josh had to get a head start up a hill, so we were going like 20-25 and hit a HUGE rock with the tire and brought us to a complete stop. Josh wasn't wearing his seatbelt so of course his forehead hit the windshield, but i fortunately was wearing mine. Everything was fine, but i got to thinking that the seat belt stopped me from going forward but did it hit my stomach too hard? I started to panic and all I wanted was to feel baby Braxton moving so I knew he was alright. I remember waiting and waiting and waiting for the longest time. It felt like eternity. I can't even explain to you how scared I was. And then finally there it was. Those sweet jabs that i had been waiting for. I felt such a sense of relief. My baby was just fine, and i look back and think how funny that whole getting stuck was. I see that memory all the time. I think of my Braxton and how scared I was to lose him. I see my baby in this jeep all the time, thus, it is his jeep, and i drive his jeep!
Going back to it being the middle of the night and I cant sleep because i'm thinking about how my life should be instead of how it is. I shouldn't be starting a new job, I should be taking care of my six week old baby. I should have obligations that tie me down. I shouldn't have the freedom that I do, but yet here it is. Josh and I go play every weekend to help get our mind off things. And, I look at all the love we have, for eachother, from families, from friends, and from people we haven't talked to in years! I am amazed at the love and care people can have and I thank God everyday for those people. We feel the prayers, we feel the love, we feel the support. And let me tell you, it's like nothing you have felt before. I miss my baby and I struggle everyday because I don't have him in my arms, but then I think about that day I get to see him again and to hold him in my arms and to see those perfect eyes staring back at me, and my hurt is filled with happiness, joy, and love. I cannot wait for that day! I love you Braxton!