December 15, 2012 (birthday)

You always dream about the "its time!" moment. Your bags have been packed with your stuff and the babies, but you never prepare yourself for something like this. I don't think there is a way to prepare for it. Being wheeled into the Labor and Delivery Room should be an exciting moment, not one you dont want to happen. But that's exactly how I felt. The atmosphere of the room we went into felt very somber. There was no excitement at all. Just dread. I remember sitting in the wheel chair trying to process everything. Questions going through my head like, "how could this happen," "why is this happening," and "what are we suppose to do next?"
As they got the IV's in me and started me on potocin, my aunt Jennifer called and talked to me about her experience with her first baby who was a stillborn also. I found comfort in what she had to say escpecially when she told my that my Braxton was just too perfect for this world. All he needed was to receive a body and that is what he got.
I started my labor with hate in my heart. I kept thinking, "why do I have to do this? I dont want to go through labor and in the end never hear those sweet first cries." I was bitter and angry. It wasn't fair.
Mine and Josh's bishop (bishop Christensen) showed up shortly along with a very good family friend, Leon Bleggi. We received Preisthood blessings that helped soften our hearts, and afterwards sat and talked about how perfect our little Braxton is and how lucky he is to be in our Saviors' arms.
As the day went on my labor pains started to get stronger and closer and of course I was dialating more. I decided I had enough pain as it was to deal with the rest so I got an epidural around five or six, and let me tell ya, it is one amazing drug. Josh called me loopy, but i think i was just so glad to be out of all that pain.
We had so many great friends and family come to visit throughout the day and show their love and support. My broken heart was so filled with love and gratitude for everything everyone did for us that day, and every day to follow.
Josh's parents and Zach had been with us already and shortly Carol and Tara made it to the hospital as well. My dad and Nykele were on their way up from Nevada, and by some miracle, my mom was able to find a flight from Washington D.C. (where she was at with Hunter on a school trip) to Idaho Falls just in time for Nykele and dad to pick her up and finish their trip to rexburg.
Thirty minutes after my family made it to the hospital, it was time to start pushing. I have never been more phyically exhausted in my life. But having Josh there right beside me, seeing the love and pain in his eyes made me want to try harder. My doctor (Dr. Hopkin) was great, and so was my nurse. I was kind of a crazy women and would sit and chat in between pushes. It was my way of making things easier, between the labor, and the pain in my heart. All three of them just had smiles on their faces and talked right on back to me.
 Finally after about thirty minutes of pushing, at 12:05 a.m, Braxton was born. Seeing the lifeless, limp body with the cord around his neck and whole body, was something no mother should have to see. Josh and I didnt hold back. We cried and cried and cried. Finally Braxton was cleaned up and Josh got to hold him for a while while i was getting stitched up. We had a moment to ourselves, but it was getting so late that we let the families come in and have their chance at holding our perfect son's body. The spirit in the room was so strong! Seeing the love and hurt in everyone's faces was bittersweet. The veil was so thin. Everyday I wish I could go back to that moment because of how close we could feel Braxton's spirit with us. It was the most amazing feeling I have ever felt. It is so indescribable. How Grateful we are to know God's plan, for our Savior and his atoneing sacrifice, and for the love they have for all of us! God is so much smarter than we are. He knows what we are capable of. He never puts us through anything we cant handle with out Him by our side. He will never leave us, especially in times of trouble. I wish so badly to be holding my baby boy right now, but i know he is in the next best place. What better place is there to be then in our Fathers arms. Baby Braxton, We love you and miss you so much!!!