Hush little baby, dont say a word. Momma's gonna buy you the whole wide world

The day Braxton was born, was a hard day. We had a very amazing lady (Tracy Howard) come take pictures of him. She was a professional photographer so they were really great pictures. (The ones that we have seen so far anyway, we are still waiting for the DVD of pictures.) After the pictures we got to hold Braxton's body for a while and both our families came back so they can have their last chances to hold his body also. Then the funeral home people came..... One of the hardest moment was to give my son to them. I didn't get to take him home with me, instead someone that i didnt know took him. It was so hard to watch that man wrap my baby up in a cloth and take him. Everyone left and Josh and I layed in the bed and held eachother.
As we were leaving the hospital, i felt like i was missing something. I sat in that wheel chair trying so hard not to break down. I felt like i had to hold it in. Driving home, it was snowy and it made me think of the time when Josh and i went to the Dr.'s office when i was 29 weeks and had gone into premature labor. It had snowed that day also and we were so scared that day. All we wanted to know was if Braxton was ok. The only difference this day was that it was 10 weeks later and our worst fears had come true. I watched as we passed my work and all the other stores that we pass everyday of our lives, but for some reason, this time if felt so different. I can't quite explain what i mean by that, but it was just different.
Luckily my family and Josh's family had done the hard part of taking all the baby stuff out of the house so that we didnt have to. I couldn't even imagine having to do that myself. I just remember the excitement and joy we had when we put the crib together, I think i rearranged his clothes and all the other things we had for him like a million times. So, i knew i just couldn't do it if I had to put it all in boxes instead of on his sweet body.
When we got home, I went straight to my bedroom where the crib had been just 24 hours earlier. I sat down on the floor, and let everything out that i was holding back. All the hurt, the pain, the realization of what really happened and was happening. It just all came out. Josh came and found me and the poor guy, if i ever found him the way he found me...... that would just be rough. He came and grabbed me in his arms and cried with me.
Before any of this happened, it was thanksgiving time and my dad and Dyllon and Hunter came to visit and we went into deseret book and i saw this picture that had just stolen my heart. I dont know what it was but when i saw it, i dont know if this is possible, but it's like i had a connection with it. Well, as Josh and i sat there crying, that picture came into my head and i told Josh, " i want that picture of Christ holding our son!" Instantly, Josh had his mom trying to find it without me knowing.
As we went through that evening we had a lot of visitors come and send their love and my dad went out to the car to get something. When he did that, Josh showed my sister the picture his mom had found and she got worried, but instead said ya thats a great picture. When my dad came back in he was holding a really big wrapped box. He told us that the house felt so empty that it hurt and after they cleaned all the baby stuff out, he needed to find something to replace it. He placed this big box on my lap and as i unwrapped it, i cried! It was that same picture. They had no idea i wanted it. They had gotten it way before i even got back from the hospital. When they went out looking they saw it and knew they had to get it.
That picture and story is so special to me. Its such a simple story and some people may wonder what's so special about it, and i cant explain why it is, but it just is! Turns out Josh's sister Carol had gotten us the same picture having the same feelings about it, without even knowing what had just happened.
That night, i remember not wanting to go to bed. With only 3 hours of sleep you would think i would be ready, but i couldnt do it. I had a hard time thinking about sleeping in that room. I kept thinking about how my baby should be in that room with us and I just couldnt go to bed. Finally Nykele and Josh were so tired that i decided to face my fears and just go to bed. It was hard, especially when i would wake up and remember that i wouldnt hear him cry because he wasnt there so i would just get up and take care of myself. I cant even explain how hard that was. I'm sure taking care of a crying baby in the middle of the night is super hard and i know i will get my chance to be grumpy about it one day, but all i wanted to do was to hear that baby crying, needing me, to get up and rock him back to sleep, but i didnt get that. I had to rock my own crying body back to sleep. I held his camo blanket my mother in law had made for us all night long. It was the blanket that we took to the hospital. It was our favorite blanket. (and a little secret, i still hold it when i got to bed at night and when i wake up, its still in my arms.) I feel like a little kid, but it's my way of comforting myself. I hope no one has to experience what i have, but i know others will, and i know others have. I am just grateful to feel that sweet spirit in our home. I feel my Braxton next me all the time. When i pray i feel him holding my hand. I feel him kneeling right beside me. I think Josh thinks I'm crazy cuz i cry everynight in my prayers, but it's because i know he is with me! I love that sweet boy!