Feeling down!

Today, I need to vent. I'm going to stray away for a little bit and talk about how I'm feeling today. I have so many friends and family with new babies or are pregnant, and i am so happy for them i really am, but i envy them so much! It hurts me to see how happy and excited they are. They get to hold their babies, talk to them, snuggle them, hold their hands. But i get to stare at pitcures on my wall. I only have molds of his hands to hold. I know i shouldn't be feeling sorry for myself, cuz i do know he is with me and i know that he is in such a better place than this evil world. But i just want to hold him, to see his smile, to hear his cry.
I'm feeling bad for myself, and i know i shouldnt, but i am. Why did i have to go through all the pain of labor, get fat for 9 months, have dreams about how our new life is going to be like, and in the end, have to give birth to a baby who died. He died inside of me. How horrible is that? My baby was dead inside of me for almost 2 days! I'm disgusted with myself for not knowing it. For not clueing into the fact that my baby wasn't moving. I feel guilty because i was so selfish and all i wanted was to have my baby out of me. All i want now is to have him back in and to feel his sweet nudges.
I look at myself in the mirror in disgust. On top of all the pain, I see this pudgy body and i keep thinking that it would be so much easier to hold that sweet baby up against all this pudge. Josh always called it Braxtons pillow top mattress and now its just my fat body. I dont even have an excuse when i go out shopping. All people see is this flappy body and think i let myself go. They dont see me a hauling around a car seat and say, "oh she just had a baby. she looks pretty good for just having a baby." Instead they say, "wow she's letting herself go." I know its only temporary. That's what josh always tells me. "Bodies are so temporary. I love you just the way you are." But that doesnt make the pain go away. That doesnt change the fact that i look or feel the way i do.
When i was still preganant, Josh always asked me when it was going to be his turn to hold and carry the baby and i always said, "soon!" Now he doenst get his turn. It hurts me so bad for him that he never got to feel how strong our baby was. He didnt get to constitantly feel those amazing kicks and nudges.
I love what i do for work! But lately I dread thinking about going back. I know it will help so i dont feel so alone, but i feel like i should be taking care of a baby right now, not working. I dont want to go back and have to explain over and over again that yes i do have a son, but no he didn't live. I'm going to be a constant downer. No one ever wants to hear that. Everyone feels awkward and feels like they need to say something. There is nothing to say. I just dont want to do it, but sometimes you have to do things you dont want to.
I'll end on a good note. I love the sweet spirit that Braxton brought into our family! I love looking at his sweet face in those beautiful pictures i have. I love all of the blessings we have recieved. The love and support from everyone has been such a big help! I can feel my Savior holding me up all of the time, but i do feel so alone sometimes. I am so grateful for the knowledge of where my perfect boy is. I'm so grateful for my Savior who made it possible that i can see my sweet son again! I love my family, I love my Husband, and most of all I love my son!