My heart has been shattered into so many different pieces. It has only been 3 weeks, but it feels like forever ago that i last felt his little nudges. It was 3 weeks ago today that i last felt him move. We were so excited! We had our doctors appointment and my dr scraped my membranes to hopefully further me along into labor. I didn't know it at the moment, but had i been further dialated, my dr was going to induce me that day. I think about it now and in a way I blame myself for not being further along in labor. That's where that "why" or the "if only" shows up. That night I felt my sweet little Braxton moving more than i ever have before. Almost like a goodbye to us. I remember telling Josh "wow, Braxton has some energy tonight!" If olny i had know that what he was really doing was twisting himself up too tight in the cord.
The next day I was still very hopeful that i would be going into labor soon. I tried to keep myself busy so the time could go by faster. I went for a long walk up the temple hill road. I remember sitting on the bench when i got to the temple thinking how excited i was to hopefully soon meet my little guy! I went to work that night still hoping my labor pains would be more frequent.
That night Josh and i made my favorite dessert... peach cobler!!! You would think i would be more aware of that fact that my baby wasnt moving, but i was completely oblivious to the lifeless Braxton inside me.
Not until the next morning did i start getting worried. Josh has already gone to work and I was getting ready for the day. My contratctions were 15-20 minutes apart and i realized my baby wasnt moving. I called my dr's office and they said to come in so we can find the heartbeat.
As Josh and i were driving to the office, he told me that one of his co-workers were saying that all her babies quit moving once they were about ready to come out, so we were thinking this is it! We were so hopeful, so excited!
We go through the normal routine and as the dr puts the doppler on my tummy, usually it was instant to hear his heart beat, but this time there was nothing..... he moved it around a bit.....nothing..... moved it around cocked his head..... looked at the nurse and shook his head. Tears started rolling as i tried to hold them back. I didnt believe it. I was in denial. We moved into the ultrasound room to look at the heart and when he found the heart and there was no movement, the pain in my heart was so unbearable. This wasnt happening. It couldn't happen. We wanted him so so bad! Josh and i sat there holding eachother and crying until the Dr. came back in. We were given further instruction to get ammitted in the hospital so i could be induced. We left the office with broken hearts, clinging to eachother, in hopes that this wasnt real
No comments:
Post a Comment