Things do get easier, but we will never forget!

It's hard to believe it all happened. I look at pictures of when I was 9 months pregnant with Braxton and it's hard to remember being like that. Things do get easier as time goes. I think about him everyday. My heart still hurts for him, but it has gotten easier. You go on with your life, but you never forget.
I think mostly girls just do this, but when I was dating Josh, every song I heard, I would think of him. Somehow he always fit into that song. Now somehow it's always Braxton. I hear songs I have known for a while and I think of my sweet boy! The most recent one is "If heaven wasn't so far away." I think that's what it's called. Anyway, I hear that song, and I feel like I live that song every day! If you haven't heard it, I suggest you listen to it. It's a good one.
We have had a lot of baby blessings in our ward lately and it kills me to see how much Josh struggles with them still. I love my husband so much and I see how much of a great father he is.
I admire my sister Nykele and her husband Steve so much! They have two perfect boys who I love so much! I love hearing stories about Parker talking about Braxton! I love knowing that Parker knows who Braxton is. He knows Braxton is with Jesus and he tells his mom about it all the time. Nykele told me the other day that Parker sent a balloon to Braxton the other day..... and that's a big deal!!! Parker LOVES balloons. I love knowing how much my family and other people love our sweet Braxton and miss him as much as we do. There are a few pictures that really tare at my heart. I love my family so much! I love how much they care about me and I am so grateful for all that they do for me. I really struggle seeing them cry, and the one person that seems to cry every time I see him, and even quite often when I talk to him, and that is my dad. I look at this picture a lot and it just breaks my heart. But I love my dad so much and I hope someday he will get to cry with happiness this time when he holds my next baby......

These two women also take a big role in my life! I'm so grateful my mom miraculously found a way to Rexburg to be here with us and it means so much to me that my sister would leave her family for five days, drive the long drive I'm sure with dread in her heart, to be here with me. I love these two ladies more than anything, and they have been great examples of being loving mothers and taught me a lot of what I need to know!

A couple months ago we went to Dakota's state championship tournament. We were able to see some family while we were there. My Aunt Heather and her baby Lainey was there. Lainey was born two weeks after Braxton. I got to hold her for quite a while. It was super hard and I'm sure Josh and I should have walked out of the gym for a while to gather ourselves because we couldn't stop the tears, but it was very nice to be able to hold sweet little Lainey. What broke my heart even more was watching Parker love that little girl so much! It made my heart melt because it was so cute, but I kept thinking about how much he would just love my little Braxton also, and I wish so badly to be able to see that and to have that happen.
Again I am so grateful for all our family and friends who have reached out their arms in love and comfort. It has helped so much and we love you all so much! We know we will see Braxton again someday and I am so grateful for the Atonement for that reason! I look forward to the day I get to raise my little boy and hold him in my arms again!

"It really sinks in, when I see it in stone"

Its been a while since I have posted anything. Something that has been heavy on my mind lately is a dream I had a few days ago. I had a dream that Braxton was with me and I was feeding him and all of the sudden I look down and he had these white spots all over him. It was really gross but these spots started oozing like he was deteriorating. I started freaking out and running around yelling for help. I remember panicking and trying to find my dr. so he could help my Braxton, but no one was there to help. Right after that I woke up. I didn't think much about it till later that day when I was listening to a song by Miranda Lambert. It talks about how her friend died and it says
"cuz you went away, how dare you. I miss you. They say I'll be ok, but I'm never going to get over you." In that song it talks about her friends headstone and it makes me think of where my baby is and I thought about the dream I had that night. In my dream, it was just a reality of what really is happening to my babies body.
The night before we buried Braxton was not a happy night at all. We had just gotten home to Panaca and I had always pictured bringing my baby home and showing him off, but I never expected it happening like this. I know everyone could tell I really wasn't myself that night. I feel really bad cuz as much as losing my baby hurt me, I could see how hurt my family was and how hurt Josh's family was and that almost hurt me worse to see them hurting. I like to bring happiness and laughter to people not sadness and that's what I was bringing, so it was really hard for me. But that night I thought about where I was going to be laying my baby for the last time and I couldn't face the facts. Before we went to bed, My dad and mom, Josh and I were talking and somehow we got on the subject of burying Braxton and that's when I broke down and expressed how I was feeling. I couldn't imagine putting my baby in the cold hard ground. What kind of mom was I to put dirt on my baby and leave him there? I was horrified by the fact that I had to do that and I still am. I didn't want to do it. I didn't want that day to start or happen.
I told Josh and my parents that and we got to talking about the pioneers and what kind of things they had to do. I started feeling a little selfish because at least I get to visit my babies grave, they had to leave their babies for the wolves. My dad had quoted the Prophet Joseph Smith and what he had to say about babies like Braxton and it really touched a soft spot in my heart and I think about it all the time. This is what he had to say,
"The lord takes many away, even in infancy that they may escape the envy of man and the sorrows and evils of this present world. They were too pure, too lovely to live on earth."
and also
"the infant child that was laid away in death would come up in the resurrection as a child" and pointing to the mother of a lifeless child, he said to her, "you will have the joy, the pleasure, and the satisfaction of nurturing this child after its resurrection until it reaches the full stature of its spirit."
After my dad had mentioned these two quotes, I was able to settle down a bit. Of course no mother ever wants to lay their baby in the ground, but to think of where he is, who he is with, and how perfect he is, makes a mom proud! I hate thinking about where my babies body is at. I know it's really weird, but I think about it all the time. I think about his poor deteriorating body and it hurts so bad! I was telling Josh the other day that as a family we use to go out to that cemetery and play hide n' seek right where his body is now. That was our counting spot, but now its where my baby lays. My babies body is just a few feet under and sometimes I think I'm crazy because I want to go unburry him, save him, take him away, and warm his poor body up. I'm some spyco lady,  I swear.... who thinks of that, but I'd be lying if I said I haven't thought about doing it a time or two.....  I know I'm just hurting myself more by thinking that. And, inside I know that that's not where he really is. He is with me. We have a quote in our bedroom that says, " Those we love don't go away... they walk beside us everyday. Unseen, unheard, but always near, still loved missed and very dear." and I know that is where he really is.... right beside Josh and I. Looking over us, protecting us, and loving us.
I got these next two pictures from Nykele the other day and I couldn't help but fall more in love with this little boy. Who ever thought I could love someone else's child this much! Her boys brings happiness to my heart and I just love them!


 

 

"I Drive His Jeep"

It's one of those nights where I can't sleep and I'm holding Braxton's baby blanket, listening to Josh talking in his sleep, and the rain sprinkle on the window (yes it's raining in the middle of the winter in Rexburg, Idaho.... crazy right?), and I'm looking at pictures reminiscing on what could have been. I'm still so jealous of other women and that they can hold and snuggle their babies. I remember how excited we all were for our sweet little boy to make his big entrance and in an instant, our dreams were crushed. I have so many reminders on what I don't have. Even the most simple thing like driving in my car, I think about the fact that I don't have a car seat with a baby in the back and it kills me. I find myself looking into cars now to see if they are lucky enough to have a car seat in their backseat. (Creeper right?)
I talked a little about this on facebook, but the other day I was driving home from work and the song "I drive your truck" by Lee Brice came on and I paid real close attention to the words and I was in tears, hoping the other drivers weren't being creepers like i am and seeing how crazy I looked. This is the part of the song that gets me everytime!

I leave that radio playin'
The same ole country station
Where you left it

Yeah, man, I crank it up
You'd probably punch my arm right now
If you saw this tear rollin' down my face
Hey, man, I'm tryin' to be tough

And Mama asked me this mornin'
If I'd been by your grave
But that flag of stone
Ain't where I feel you, anyway

I've cussed, I've prayed, I've said goodbye
I've shook my fist and asked God why
These days, when I'm missin' you this much

I drive your truck
I roll every window down
And I burn up
Every back road in this town
I find a field, and I tear it up
Till all the pain is a cloud of dust
Yes, sometimes,
I drive your truck

That's not exactly how the song goes. I've chopped it up a bit to show my favorite words, but for some reason, this song really hits home. I know this doesn't really go with my situation, but in a way it does. We got a jeep when i was eight months pregnant with Braxton and Josh always thought it was going to be Braxton's jeep when he grew up. He saw himself teaching our son how to drive in it. Josh's dad loves jeeps, Josh loves jeeps, and he wanted to pass that down to Braxton also. When we first got the jeep, Josh and I thought we would take it out for a ride and of course there was snow and it had been raining all day so everything was muddy and very slick. We came to a steep hill and despite the fact that we have been stuck trying to come back up that hill before in very similar circumstances and the fact that i told Josh we probably wouldn't be able to make it back up again, we went down, and of course we couldn't get back out. So we tried going another way. Josh had to get a head start up a hill, so we were going like 20-25 and hit a HUGE rock with the tire and brought us to a complete stop. Josh wasn't wearing his seatbelt so of course his forehead hit the windshield, but i fortunately was wearing mine. Everything was fine, but i got to thinking that the seat belt stopped me from going forward but did it hit my stomach too hard? I started to panic and all I wanted was to feel baby Braxton moving so I knew he was alright. I remember waiting and waiting and waiting for the longest time. It felt like eternity. I can't even explain to you how scared I was. And then finally there it was. Those sweet jabs that i had been waiting for. I felt such a sense of relief. My baby was just fine, and i look back and think how funny that whole getting stuck was. I see that memory all the time. I think of my Braxton and how scared I was to lose him. I see my baby in this jeep all the time, thus, it is his jeep, and i drive his jeep!
Going back to it being the middle of the night and I cant sleep because i'm thinking about how my life should be instead of how it is. I shouldn't be starting a new job, I should be taking care of my six week old baby. I should have obligations that tie me down. I shouldn't have the freedom that I do, but yet here it is. Josh and I go play every weekend to help get our mind off things. And, I look at all the love we have, for eachother, from families, from friends, and from people we haven't talked to in years! I am amazed at the love and care people can have and I thank God everyday for those people. We feel the prayers, we feel the love, we feel the support. And let me tell you, it's like nothing you have felt before. I miss my baby and I struggle everyday because I don't have him in my arms, but then I think about that day I get to see him again and to hold him in my arms and to see those perfect eyes staring back at me, and my hurt is filled with happiness, joy, and love. I cannot wait for that day! I love you Braxton!

1 Month Old

I cant believe its been a month! I wish i could see him growing. I keep wondering how big he would be now and how much he would have changed. I miss him more than words can say. Everything that has happened doesn't feel real. It feels like the past month was just a really bad nightmare!
I went back to work last week. It was nice to get out of the house, but it was hard to be back with all of the memories of being pregnant and having a soon to be baby in the home. Clients would just ask if I had any kids and my heart would just start hurting. I'm sick of people feeling sorry for me and i dont want to have to keep retelling people that my baby died. It's just something i dont want to do everyday. So, my bishop helped me with getting a job at the bank he works for and starting the 22nd i will officially be a teller at the Bank of Commerce! I am super excited for this new change in my life. I will miss doing hair cuz i love it so much, but i'll get back to it again. It will be nice to have something exciting in my life again.
Josh has been doing good. Work can be hard for him, but even when it is, he keeps going. He is such a strong, hard-working man and i fall more in love with him each and every day! Every once in a while he will break down and start crying because he misses Braxton, but i love to see how much love he has for his son and also for me. I never thought i could have so much love for two people in my life! Josh is my absolute best friend and i love that i get to be with him for eternity! Hopefully soon we will get the papers we are waiting for to be able to get to the temple so we can be sealed to each other! I am married to the best man in the world! I couldn't imagine having to go through everything we have without him by my side, holding my hand, and carrying me through this! I sure love him and we both miss Braxton so much! We cant wait to be able to hold him in our arms again! This poem was read at both services we had for him and it has been close to my heart since the day we had him. I read it that night and i knew he was saying this to us.

Dear mom and dad, 
Please don't be sad, I miss you so much too.
It's beautiful here where I am, but i worry a lot about you.
I sleep with Angles watching me.
There's only love up here.
I'm never lonely or afraid,
'cause God's so very near.
I walk with Jesus everyday, 
he's very kind and sweet.
Don't worry mom; he holds my hand when we cross a golden street.
I never cry or hurt myself, 
I see Grandparents everyday.
I play and laugh and sing a lot,
and i hear you when you pray.
Please don't be mad at God you see,
he loves me too.
And even though you're not with me, 
I'm really still with you
-Unknown

Hush little baby, dont say a word. Momma's gonna buy you the whole wide world

The day Braxton was born, was a hard day. We had a very amazing lady (Tracy Howard) come take pictures of him. She was a professional photographer so they were really great pictures. (The ones that we have seen so far anyway, we are still waiting for the DVD of pictures.) After the pictures we got to hold Braxton's body for a while and both our families came back so they can have their last chances to hold his body also. Then the funeral home people came..... One of the hardest moment was to give my son to them. I didn't get to take him home with me, instead someone that i didnt know took him. It was so hard to watch that man wrap my baby up in a cloth and take him. Everyone left and Josh and I layed in the bed and held eachother.
As we were leaving the hospital, i felt like i was missing something. I sat in that wheel chair trying so hard not to break down. I felt like i had to hold it in. Driving home, it was snowy and it made me think of the time when Josh and i went to the Dr.'s office when i was 29 weeks and had gone into premature labor. It had snowed that day also and we were so scared that day. All we wanted to know was if Braxton was ok. The only difference this day was that it was 10 weeks later and our worst fears had come true. I watched as we passed my work and all the other stores that we pass everyday of our lives, but for some reason, this time if felt so different. I can't quite explain what i mean by that, but it was just different.
Luckily my family and Josh's family had done the hard part of taking all the baby stuff out of the house so that we didnt have to. I couldn't even imagine having to do that myself. I just remember the excitement and joy we had when we put the crib together, I think i rearranged his clothes and all the other things we had for him like a million times. So, i knew i just couldn't do it if I had to put it all in boxes instead of on his sweet body.
When we got home, I went straight to my bedroom where the crib had been just 24 hours earlier. I sat down on the floor, and let everything out that i was holding back. All the hurt, the pain, the realization of what really happened and was happening. It just all came out. Josh came and found me and the poor guy, if i ever found him the way he found me...... that would just be rough. He came and grabbed me in his arms and cried with me.
Before any of this happened, it was thanksgiving time and my dad and Dyllon and Hunter came to visit and we went into deseret book and i saw this picture that had just stolen my heart. I dont know what it was but when i saw it, i dont know if this is possible, but it's like i had a connection with it. Well, as Josh and i sat there crying, that picture came into my head and i told Josh, " i want that picture of Christ holding our son!" Instantly, Josh had his mom trying to find it without me knowing.
As we went through that evening we had a lot of visitors come and send their love and my dad went out to the car to get something. When he did that, Josh showed my sister the picture his mom had found and she got worried, but instead said ya thats a great picture. When my dad came back in he was holding a really big wrapped box. He told us that the house felt so empty that it hurt and after they cleaned all the baby stuff out, he needed to find something to replace it. He placed this big box on my lap and as i unwrapped it, i cried! It was that same picture. They had no idea i wanted it. They had gotten it way before i even got back from the hospital. When they went out looking they saw it and knew they had to get it.
That picture and story is so special to me. Its such a simple story and some people may wonder what's so special about it, and i cant explain why it is, but it just is! Turns out Josh's sister Carol had gotten us the same picture having the same feelings about it, without even knowing what had just happened.
That night, i remember not wanting to go to bed. With only 3 hours of sleep you would think i would be ready, but i couldnt do it. I had a hard time thinking about sleeping in that room. I kept thinking about how my baby should be in that room with us and I just couldnt go to bed. Finally Nykele and Josh were so tired that i decided to face my fears and just go to bed. It was hard, especially when i would wake up and remember that i wouldnt hear him cry because he wasnt there so i would just get up and take care of myself. I cant even explain how hard that was. I'm sure taking care of a crying baby in the middle of the night is super hard and i know i will get my chance to be grumpy about it one day, but all i wanted to do was to hear that baby crying, needing me, to get up and rock him back to sleep, but i didnt get that. I had to rock my own crying body back to sleep. I held his camo blanket my mother in law had made for us all night long. It was the blanket that we took to the hospital. It was our favorite blanket. (and a little secret, i still hold it when i got to bed at night and when i wake up, its still in my arms.) I feel like a little kid, but it's my way of comforting myself. I hope no one has to experience what i have, but i know others will, and i know others have. I am just grateful to feel that sweet spirit in our home. I feel my Braxton next me all the time. When i pray i feel him holding my hand. I feel him kneeling right beside me. I think Josh thinks I'm crazy cuz i cry everynight in my prayers, but it's because i know he is with me! I love that sweet boy!

Feeling down!

Today, I need to vent. I'm going to stray away for a little bit and talk about how I'm feeling today. I have so many friends and family with new babies or are pregnant, and i am so happy for them i really am, but i envy them so much! It hurts me to see how happy and excited they are. They get to hold their babies, talk to them, snuggle them, hold their hands. But i get to stare at pitcures on my wall. I only have molds of his hands to hold. I know i shouldn't be feeling sorry for myself, cuz i do know he is with me and i know that he is in such a better place than this evil world. But i just want to hold him, to see his smile, to hear his cry.
I'm feeling bad for myself, and i know i shouldnt, but i am. Why did i have to go through all the pain of labor, get fat for 9 months, have dreams about how our new life is going to be like, and in the end, have to give birth to a baby who died. He died inside of me. How horrible is that? My baby was dead inside of me for almost 2 days! I'm disgusted with myself for not knowing it. For not clueing into the fact that my baby wasn't moving. I feel guilty because i was so selfish and all i wanted was to have my baby out of me. All i want now is to have him back in and to feel his sweet nudges.
I look at myself in the mirror in disgust. On top of all the pain, I see this pudgy body and i keep thinking that it would be so much easier to hold that sweet baby up against all this pudge. Josh always called it Braxtons pillow top mattress and now its just my fat body. I dont even have an excuse when i go out shopping. All people see is this flappy body and think i let myself go. They dont see me a hauling around a car seat and say, "oh she just had a baby. she looks pretty good for just having a baby." Instead they say, "wow she's letting herself go." I know its only temporary. That's what josh always tells me. "Bodies are so temporary. I love you just the way you are." But that doesnt make the pain go away. That doesnt change the fact that i look or feel the way i do.
When i was still preganant, Josh always asked me when it was going to be his turn to hold and carry the baby and i always said, "soon!" Now he doenst get his turn. It hurts me so bad for him that he never got to feel how strong our baby was. He didnt get to constitantly feel those amazing kicks and nudges.
I love what i do for work! But lately I dread thinking about going back. I know it will help so i dont feel so alone, but i feel like i should be taking care of a baby right now, not working. I dont want to go back and have to explain over and over again that yes i do have a son, but no he didn't live. I'm going to be a constant downer. No one ever wants to hear that. Everyone feels awkward and feels like they need to say something. There is nothing to say. I just dont want to do it, but sometimes you have to do things you dont want to.
I'll end on a good note. I love the sweet spirit that Braxton brought into our family! I love looking at his sweet face in those beautiful pictures i have. I love all of the blessings we have recieved. The love and support from everyone has been such a big help! I can feel my Savior holding me up all of the time, but i do feel so alone sometimes. I am so grateful for the knowledge of where my perfect boy is. I'm so grateful for my Savior who made it possible that i can see my sweet son again! I love my family, I love my Husband, and most of all I love my son!

December 15, 2012 (birthday)

You always dream about the "its time!" moment. Your bags have been packed with your stuff and the babies, but you never prepare yourself for something like this. I don't think there is a way to prepare for it. Being wheeled into the Labor and Delivery Room should be an exciting moment, not one you dont want to happen. But that's exactly how I felt. The atmosphere of the room we went into felt very somber. There was no excitement at all. Just dread. I remember sitting in the wheel chair trying to process everything. Questions going through my head like, "how could this happen," "why is this happening," and "what are we suppose to do next?"
As they got the IV's in me and started me on potocin, my aunt Jennifer called and talked to me about her experience with her first baby who was a stillborn also. I found comfort in what she had to say escpecially when she told my that my Braxton was just too perfect for this world. All he needed was to receive a body and that is what he got.
I started my labor with hate in my heart. I kept thinking, "why do I have to do this? I dont want to go through labor and in the end never hear those sweet first cries." I was bitter and angry. It wasn't fair.
Mine and Josh's bishop (bishop Christensen) showed up shortly along with a very good family friend, Leon Bleggi. We received Preisthood blessings that helped soften our hearts, and afterwards sat and talked about how perfect our little Braxton is and how lucky he is to be in our Saviors' arms.
As the day went on my labor pains started to get stronger and closer and of course I was dialating more. I decided I had enough pain as it was to deal with the rest so I got an epidural around five or six, and let me tell ya, it is one amazing drug. Josh called me loopy, but i think i was just so glad to be out of all that pain.
We had so many great friends and family come to visit throughout the day and show their love and support. My broken heart was so filled with love and gratitude for everything everyone did for us that day, and every day to follow.
Josh's parents and Zach had been with us already and shortly Carol and Tara made it to the hospital as well. My dad and Nykele were on their way up from Nevada, and by some miracle, my mom was able to find a flight from Washington D.C. (where she was at with Hunter on a school trip) to Idaho Falls just in time for Nykele and dad to pick her up and finish their trip to rexburg.
Thirty minutes after my family made it to the hospital, it was time to start pushing. I have never been more phyically exhausted in my life. But having Josh there right beside me, seeing the love and pain in his eyes made me want to try harder. My doctor (Dr. Hopkin) was great, and so was my nurse. I was kind of a crazy women and would sit and chat in between pushes. It was my way of making things easier, between the labor, and the pain in my heart. All three of them just had smiles on their faces and talked right on back to me.
 Finally after about thirty minutes of pushing, at 12:05 a.m, Braxton was born. Seeing the lifeless, limp body with the cord around his neck and whole body, was something no mother should have to see. Josh and I didnt hold back. We cried and cried and cried. Finally Braxton was cleaned up and Josh got to hold him for a while while i was getting stitched up. We had a moment to ourselves, but it was getting so late that we let the families come in and have their chance at holding our perfect son's body. The spirit in the room was so strong! Seeing the love and hurt in everyone's faces was bittersweet. The veil was so thin. Everyday I wish I could go back to that moment because of how close we could feel Braxton's spirit with us. It was the most amazing feeling I have ever felt. It is so indescribable. How Grateful we are to know God's plan, for our Savior and his atoneing sacrifice, and for the love they have for all of us! God is so much smarter than we are. He knows what we are capable of. He never puts us through anything we cant handle with out Him by our side. He will never leave us, especially in times of trouble. I wish so badly to be holding my baby boy right now, but i know he is in the next best place. What better place is there to be then in our Fathers arms. Baby Braxton, We love you and miss you so much!!!