It's one of those nights where I can't sleep and I'm holding Braxton's baby blanket, listening to Josh talking in his sleep, and the rain sprinkle on the window (yes it's raining in the middle of the winter in Rexburg, Idaho.... crazy right?), and I'm looking at pictures reminiscing on what could have been. I'm still so jealous of other women and that they can hold and snuggle their babies. I remember how excited we all were for our sweet little boy to make his big entrance and in an instant, our dreams were crushed. I have so many reminders on what I don't have. Even the most simple thing like driving in my car, I think about the fact that I don't have a car seat with a baby in the back and it kills me. I find myself looking into cars now to see if they are lucky enough to have a car seat in their backseat. (Creeper right?)
I talked a little about this on facebook, but the other day I was driving home from work and the song "I drive your truck" by Lee Brice came on and I paid real close attention to the words and I was in tears, hoping the other drivers weren't being creepers like i am and seeing how crazy I looked. This is the part of the song that gets me everytime!
I leave that radio playin'
The same ole country station
Where you left it
Yeah, man, I crank it up
You'd probably punch my arm right now
If you saw this tear rollin' down my face
Hey, man, I'm tryin' to be tough
And Mama asked me this mornin'
If I'd been by your grave
But that flag of stone
Ain't where I feel you, anyway
I've cussed, I've prayed, I've said goodbye
I've shook my fist and asked God why
These days, when I'm missin' you this much
I drive your truck
I roll every window down
And I burn up
Every back road in this town
I find a field, and I tear it up
Till all the pain is a cloud of dust
Yes, sometimes,
I drive your truck
That's not exactly how the song goes. I've chopped it up a bit to show my favorite words, but for some reason, this song really hits home. I know this doesn't really go with my situation, but in a way it does. We got a jeep when i was eight months pregnant with Braxton and Josh always thought it was going to be Braxton's jeep when he grew up. He saw himself teaching our son how to drive in it. Josh's dad loves jeeps, Josh loves jeeps, and he wanted to pass that down to Braxton also. When we first got the jeep, Josh and I thought we would take it out for a ride and of course there was snow and it had been raining all day so everything was muddy and very slick. We came to a steep hill and despite the fact that we have been stuck trying to come back up that hill before in very similar circumstances and the fact that i told Josh we probably wouldn't be able to make it back up again, we went down, and of course we couldn't get back out. So we tried going another way. Josh had to get a head start up a hill, so we were going like 20-25 and hit a HUGE rock with the tire and brought us to a complete stop. Josh wasn't wearing his seatbelt so of course his forehead hit the windshield, but i fortunately was wearing mine. Everything was fine, but i got to thinking that the seat belt stopped me from going forward but did it hit my stomach too hard? I started to panic and all I wanted was to feel baby Braxton moving so I knew he was alright. I remember waiting and waiting and waiting for the longest time. It felt like eternity. I can't even explain to you how scared I was. And then finally there it was. Those sweet jabs that i had been waiting for. I felt such a sense of relief. My baby was just fine, and i look back and think how funny that whole getting stuck was. I see that memory all the time. I think of my Braxton and how scared I was to lose him. I see my baby in this jeep all the time, thus, it is his jeep, and i drive his jeep!
Going back to it being the middle of the night and I cant sleep because i'm thinking about how my life should be instead of how it is. I shouldn't be starting a new job, I should be taking care of my six week old baby. I should have obligations that tie me down. I shouldn't have the freedom that I do, but yet here it is. Josh and I go play every weekend to help get our mind off things. And, I look at all the love we have, for eachother, from families, from friends, and from people we haven't talked to in years! I am amazed at the love and care people can have and I thank God everyday for those people. We feel the prayers, we feel the love, we feel the support. And let me tell you, it's like nothing you have felt before. I miss my baby and I struggle everyday because I don't have him in my arms, but then I think about that day I get to see him again and to hold him in my arms and to see those perfect eyes staring back at me, and my hurt is filled with happiness, joy, and love. I cannot wait for that day! I love you Braxton!
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
1 Month Old
I cant believe its been a month! I wish i could see him growing. I keep wondering how big he would be now and how much he would have changed. I miss him more than words can say. Everything that has happened doesn't feel real. It feels like the past month was just a really bad nightmare!
I went back to work last week. It was nice to get out of the house, but it was hard to be back with all of the memories of being pregnant and having a soon to be baby in the home. Clients would just ask if I had any kids and my heart would just start hurting. I'm sick of people feeling sorry for me and i dont want to have to keep retelling people that my baby died. It's just something i dont want to do everyday. So, my bishop helped me with getting a job at the bank he works for and starting the 22nd i will officially be a teller at the Bank of Commerce! I am super excited for this new change in my life. I will miss doing hair cuz i love it so much, but i'll get back to it again. It will be nice to have something exciting in my life again.
Josh has been doing good. Work can be hard for him, but even when it is, he keeps going. He is such a strong, hard-working man and i fall more in love with him each and every day! Every once in a while he will break down and start crying because he misses Braxton, but i love to see how much love he has for his son and also for me. I never thought i could have so much love for two people in my life! Josh is my absolute best friend and i love that i get to be with him for eternity! Hopefully soon we will get the papers we are waiting for to be able to get to the temple so we can be sealed to each other! I am married to the best man in the world! I couldn't imagine having to go through everything we have without him by my side, holding my hand, and carrying me through this! I sure love him and we both miss Braxton so much! We cant wait to be able to hold him in our arms again! This poem was read at both services we had for him and it has been close to my heart since the day we had him. I read it that night and i knew he was saying this to us.
Dear mom and dad,
Please don't be sad, I miss you so much too.
It's beautiful here where I am, but i worry a lot about you.
I sleep with Angles watching me.
There's only love up here.
I'm never lonely or afraid,
'cause God's so very near.
I walk with Jesus everyday,
he's very kind and sweet.
Don't worry mom; he holds my hand when we cross a golden street.
I never cry or hurt myself,
I see Grandparents everyday.
I play and laugh and sing a lot,
and i hear you when you pray.
Please don't be mad at God you see,
he loves me too.
And even though you're not with me,
I'm really still with you
-Unknown
I went back to work last week. It was nice to get out of the house, but it was hard to be back with all of the memories of being pregnant and having a soon to be baby in the home. Clients would just ask if I had any kids and my heart would just start hurting. I'm sick of people feeling sorry for me and i dont want to have to keep retelling people that my baby died. It's just something i dont want to do everyday. So, my bishop helped me with getting a job at the bank he works for and starting the 22nd i will officially be a teller at the Bank of Commerce! I am super excited for this new change in my life. I will miss doing hair cuz i love it so much, but i'll get back to it again. It will be nice to have something exciting in my life again.
Josh has been doing good. Work can be hard for him, but even when it is, he keeps going. He is such a strong, hard-working man and i fall more in love with him each and every day! Every once in a while he will break down and start crying because he misses Braxton, but i love to see how much love he has for his son and also for me. I never thought i could have so much love for two people in my life! Josh is my absolute best friend and i love that i get to be with him for eternity! Hopefully soon we will get the papers we are waiting for to be able to get to the temple so we can be sealed to each other! I am married to the best man in the world! I couldn't imagine having to go through everything we have without him by my side, holding my hand, and carrying me through this! I sure love him and we both miss Braxton so much! We cant wait to be able to hold him in our arms again! This poem was read at both services we had for him and it has been close to my heart since the day we had him. I read it that night and i knew he was saying this to us.
Dear mom and dad,
Please don't be sad, I miss you so much too.
It's beautiful here where I am, but i worry a lot about you.
I sleep with Angles watching me.
There's only love up here.
I'm never lonely or afraid,
'cause God's so very near.
I walk with Jesus everyday,
he's very kind and sweet.
Don't worry mom; he holds my hand when we cross a golden street.
I never cry or hurt myself,
I see Grandparents everyday.
I play and laugh and sing a lot,
and i hear you when you pray.
Please don't be mad at God you see,
he loves me too.
And even though you're not with me,
I'm really still with you
-Unknown
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Hush little baby, dont say a word. Momma's gonna buy you the whole wide world
The day Braxton was born, was a hard day. We had a very amazing lady (Tracy Howard) come take pictures of him. She was a professional photographer so they were really great pictures. (The ones that we have seen so far anyway, we are still waiting for the DVD of pictures.) After the pictures we got to hold Braxton's body for a while and both our families came back so they can have their last chances to hold his body also. Then the funeral home people came..... One of the hardest moment was to give my son to them. I didn't get to take him home with me, instead someone that i didnt know took him. It was so hard to watch that man wrap my baby up in a cloth and take him. Everyone left and Josh and I layed in the bed and held eachother.
As we were leaving the hospital, i felt like i was missing something. I sat in that wheel chair trying so hard not to break down. I felt like i had to hold it in. Driving home, it was snowy and it made me think of the time when Josh and i went to the Dr.'s office when i was 29 weeks and had gone into premature labor. It had snowed that day also and we were so scared that day. All we wanted to know was if Braxton was ok. The only difference this day was that it was 10 weeks later and our worst fears had come true. I watched as we passed my work and all the other stores that we pass everyday of our lives, but for some reason, this time if felt so different. I can't quite explain what i mean by that, but it was just different.
Luckily my family and Josh's family had done the hard part of taking all the baby stuff out of the house so that we didnt have to. I couldn't even imagine having to do that myself. I just remember the excitement and joy we had when we put the crib together, I think i rearranged his clothes and all the other things we had for him like a million times. So, i knew i just couldn't do it if I had to put it all in boxes instead of on his sweet body.
When we got home, I went straight to my bedroom where the crib had been just 24 hours earlier. I sat down on the floor, and let everything out that i was holding back. All the hurt, the pain, the realization of what really happened and was happening. It just all came out. Josh came and found me and the poor guy, if i ever found him the way he found me...... that would just be rough. He came and grabbed me in his arms and cried with me.
Before any of this happened, it was thanksgiving time and my dad and Dyllon and Hunter came to visit and we went into deseret book and i saw this picture that had just stolen my heart. I dont know what it was but when i saw it, i dont know if this is possible, but it's like i had a connection with it. Well, as Josh and i sat there crying, that picture came into my head and i told Josh, " i want that picture of Christ holding our son!" Instantly, Josh had his mom trying to find it without me knowing.
As we went through that evening we had a lot of visitors come and send their love and my dad went out to the car to get something. When he did that, Josh showed my sister the picture his mom had found and she got worried, but instead said ya thats a great picture. When my dad came back in he was holding a really big wrapped box. He told us that the house felt so empty that it hurt and after they cleaned all the baby stuff out, he needed to find something to replace it. He placed this big box on my lap and as i unwrapped it, i cried! It was that same picture. They had no idea i wanted it. They had gotten it way before i even got back from the hospital. When they went out looking they saw it and knew they had to get it.
That picture and story is so special to me. Its such a simple story and some people may wonder what's so special about it, and i cant explain why it is, but it just is! Turns out Josh's sister Carol had gotten us the same picture having the same feelings about it, without even knowing what had just happened.
That night, i remember not wanting to go to bed. With only 3 hours of sleep you would think i would be ready, but i couldnt do it. I had a hard time thinking about sleeping in that room. I kept thinking about how my baby should be in that room with us and I just couldnt go to bed. Finally Nykele and Josh were so tired that i decided to face my fears and just go to bed. It was hard, especially when i would wake up and remember that i wouldnt hear him cry because he wasnt there so i would just get up and take care of myself. I cant even explain how hard that was. I'm sure taking care of a crying baby in the middle of the night is super hard and i know i will get my chance to be grumpy about it one day, but all i wanted to do was to hear that baby crying, needing me, to get up and rock him back to sleep, but i didnt get that. I had to rock my own crying body back to sleep. I held his camo blanket my mother in law had made for us all night long. It was the blanket that we took to the hospital. It was our favorite blanket. (and a little secret, i still hold it when i got to bed at night and when i wake up, its still in my arms.) I feel like a little kid, but it's my way of comforting myself. I hope no one has to experience what i have, but i know others will, and i know others have. I am just grateful to feel that sweet spirit in our home. I feel my Braxton next me all the time. When i pray i feel him holding my hand. I feel him kneeling right beside me. I think Josh thinks I'm crazy cuz i cry everynight in my prayers, but it's because i know he is with me! I love that sweet boy!
As we were leaving the hospital, i felt like i was missing something. I sat in that wheel chair trying so hard not to break down. I felt like i had to hold it in. Driving home, it was snowy and it made me think of the time when Josh and i went to the Dr.'s office when i was 29 weeks and had gone into premature labor. It had snowed that day also and we were so scared that day. All we wanted to know was if Braxton was ok. The only difference this day was that it was 10 weeks later and our worst fears had come true. I watched as we passed my work and all the other stores that we pass everyday of our lives, but for some reason, this time if felt so different. I can't quite explain what i mean by that, but it was just different.
Luckily my family and Josh's family had done the hard part of taking all the baby stuff out of the house so that we didnt have to. I couldn't even imagine having to do that myself. I just remember the excitement and joy we had when we put the crib together, I think i rearranged his clothes and all the other things we had for him like a million times. So, i knew i just couldn't do it if I had to put it all in boxes instead of on his sweet body.
When we got home, I went straight to my bedroom where the crib had been just 24 hours earlier. I sat down on the floor, and let everything out that i was holding back. All the hurt, the pain, the realization of what really happened and was happening. It just all came out. Josh came and found me and the poor guy, if i ever found him the way he found me...... that would just be rough. He came and grabbed me in his arms and cried with me.
Before any of this happened, it was thanksgiving time and my dad and Dyllon and Hunter came to visit and we went into deseret book and i saw this picture that had just stolen my heart. I dont know what it was but when i saw it, i dont know if this is possible, but it's like i had a connection with it. Well, as Josh and i sat there crying, that picture came into my head and i told Josh, " i want that picture of Christ holding our son!" Instantly, Josh had his mom trying to find it without me knowing.
As we went through that evening we had a lot of visitors come and send their love and my dad went out to the car to get something. When he did that, Josh showed my sister the picture his mom had found and she got worried, but instead said ya thats a great picture. When my dad came back in he was holding a really big wrapped box. He told us that the house felt so empty that it hurt and after they cleaned all the baby stuff out, he needed to find something to replace it. He placed this big box on my lap and as i unwrapped it, i cried! It was that same picture. They had no idea i wanted it. They had gotten it way before i even got back from the hospital. When they went out looking they saw it and knew they had to get it.
That picture and story is so special to me. Its such a simple story and some people may wonder what's so special about it, and i cant explain why it is, but it just is! Turns out Josh's sister Carol had gotten us the same picture having the same feelings about it, without even knowing what had just happened.
That night, i remember not wanting to go to bed. With only 3 hours of sleep you would think i would be ready, but i couldnt do it. I had a hard time thinking about sleeping in that room. I kept thinking about how my baby should be in that room with us and I just couldnt go to bed. Finally Nykele and Josh were so tired that i decided to face my fears and just go to bed. It was hard, especially when i would wake up and remember that i wouldnt hear him cry because he wasnt there so i would just get up and take care of myself. I cant even explain how hard that was. I'm sure taking care of a crying baby in the middle of the night is super hard and i know i will get my chance to be grumpy about it one day, but all i wanted to do was to hear that baby crying, needing me, to get up and rock him back to sleep, but i didnt get that. I had to rock my own crying body back to sleep. I held his camo blanket my mother in law had made for us all night long. It was the blanket that we took to the hospital. It was our favorite blanket. (and a little secret, i still hold it when i got to bed at night and when i wake up, its still in my arms.) I feel like a little kid, but it's my way of comforting myself. I hope no one has to experience what i have, but i know others will, and i know others have. I am just grateful to feel that sweet spirit in our home. I feel my Braxton next me all the time. When i pray i feel him holding my hand. I feel him kneeling right beside me. I think Josh thinks I'm crazy cuz i cry everynight in my prayers, but it's because i know he is with me! I love that sweet boy!
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Feeling down!
Today, I need to vent. I'm going to stray away for a little bit and talk about how I'm feeling today. I have so many friends and family with new babies or are pregnant, and i am so happy for them i really am, but i envy them so much! It hurts me to see how happy and excited they are. They get to hold their babies, talk to them, snuggle them, hold their hands. But i get to stare at pitcures on my wall. I only have molds of his hands to hold. I know i shouldn't be feeling sorry for myself, cuz i do know he is with me and i know that he is in such a better place than this evil world. But i just want to hold him, to see his smile, to hear his cry.
I'm feeling bad for myself, and i know i shouldnt, but i am. Why did i have to go through all the pain of labor, get fat for 9 months, have dreams about how our new life is going to be like, and in the end, have to give birth to a baby who died. He died inside of me. How horrible is that? My baby was dead inside of me for almost 2 days! I'm disgusted with myself for not knowing it. For not clueing into the fact that my baby wasn't moving. I feel guilty because i was so selfish and all i wanted was to have my baby out of me. All i want now is to have him back in and to feel his sweet nudges.
I look at myself in the mirror in disgust. On top of all the pain, I see this pudgy body and i keep thinking that it would be so much easier to hold that sweet baby up against all this pudge. Josh always called it Braxtons pillow top mattress and now its just my fat body. I dont even have an excuse when i go out shopping. All people see is this flappy body and think i let myself go. They dont see me a hauling around a car seat and say, "oh she just had a baby. she looks pretty good for just having a baby." Instead they say, "wow she's letting herself go." I know its only temporary. That's what josh always tells me. "Bodies are so temporary. I love you just the way you are." But that doesnt make the pain go away. That doesnt change the fact that i look or feel the way i do.
When i was still preganant, Josh always asked me when it was going to be his turn to hold and carry the baby and i always said, "soon!" Now he doenst get his turn. It hurts me so bad for him that he never got to feel how strong our baby was. He didnt get to constitantly feel those amazing kicks and nudges.
I love what i do for work! But lately I dread thinking about going back. I know it will help so i dont feel so alone, but i feel like i should be taking care of a baby right now, not working. I dont want to go back and have to explain over and over again that yes i do have a son, but no he didn't live. I'm going to be a constant downer. No one ever wants to hear that. Everyone feels awkward and feels like they need to say something. There is nothing to say. I just dont want to do it, but sometimes you have to do things you dont want to.
I'll end on a good note. I love the sweet spirit that Braxton brought into our family! I love looking at his sweet face in those beautiful pictures i have. I love all of the blessings we have recieved. The love and support from everyone has been such a big help! I can feel my Savior holding me up all of the time, but i do feel so alone sometimes. I am so grateful for the knowledge of where my perfect boy is. I'm so grateful for my Savior who made it possible that i can see my sweet son again! I love my family, I love my Husband, and most of all I love my son!
I'm feeling bad for myself, and i know i shouldnt, but i am. Why did i have to go through all the pain of labor, get fat for 9 months, have dreams about how our new life is going to be like, and in the end, have to give birth to a baby who died. He died inside of me. How horrible is that? My baby was dead inside of me for almost 2 days! I'm disgusted with myself for not knowing it. For not clueing into the fact that my baby wasn't moving. I feel guilty because i was so selfish and all i wanted was to have my baby out of me. All i want now is to have him back in and to feel his sweet nudges.
I look at myself in the mirror in disgust. On top of all the pain, I see this pudgy body and i keep thinking that it would be so much easier to hold that sweet baby up against all this pudge. Josh always called it Braxtons pillow top mattress and now its just my fat body. I dont even have an excuse when i go out shopping. All people see is this flappy body and think i let myself go. They dont see me a hauling around a car seat and say, "oh she just had a baby. she looks pretty good for just having a baby." Instead they say, "wow she's letting herself go." I know its only temporary. That's what josh always tells me. "Bodies are so temporary. I love you just the way you are." But that doesnt make the pain go away. That doesnt change the fact that i look or feel the way i do.
When i was still preganant, Josh always asked me when it was going to be his turn to hold and carry the baby and i always said, "soon!" Now he doenst get his turn. It hurts me so bad for him that he never got to feel how strong our baby was. He didnt get to constitantly feel those amazing kicks and nudges.
I love what i do for work! But lately I dread thinking about going back. I know it will help so i dont feel so alone, but i feel like i should be taking care of a baby right now, not working. I dont want to go back and have to explain over and over again that yes i do have a son, but no he didn't live. I'm going to be a constant downer. No one ever wants to hear that. Everyone feels awkward and feels like they need to say something. There is nothing to say. I just dont want to do it, but sometimes you have to do things you dont want to.
I'll end on a good note. I love the sweet spirit that Braxton brought into our family! I love looking at his sweet face in those beautiful pictures i have. I love all of the blessings we have recieved. The love and support from everyone has been such a big help! I can feel my Savior holding me up all of the time, but i do feel so alone sometimes. I am so grateful for the knowledge of where my perfect boy is. I'm so grateful for my Savior who made it possible that i can see my sweet son again! I love my family, I love my Husband, and most of all I love my son!
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
December 15, 2012 (birthday)
You always dream about the "its time!" moment. Your bags have been packed with your stuff and the babies, but you never prepare yourself for something like this. I don't think there is a way to prepare for it. Being wheeled into the Labor and Delivery Room should be an exciting moment, not one you dont want to happen. But that's exactly how I felt. The atmosphere of the room we went into felt very somber. There was no excitement at all. Just dread. I remember sitting in the wheel chair trying to process everything. Questions going through my head like, "how could this happen," "why is this happening," and "what are we suppose to do next?"
As they got the IV's in me and started me on potocin, my aunt Jennifer called and talked to me about her experience with her first baby who was a stillborn also. I found comfort in what she had to say escpecially when she told my that my Braxton was just too perfect for this world. All he needed was to receive a body and that is what he got.
I started my labor with hate in my heart. I kept thinking, "why do I have to do this? I dont want to go through labor and in the end never hear those sweet first cries." I was bitter and angry. It wasn't fair.
Mine and Josh's bishop (bishop Christensen) showed up shortly along with a very good family friend, Leon Bleggi. We received Preisthood blessings that helped soften our hearts, and afterwards sat and talked about how perfect our little Braxton is and how lucky he is to be in our Saviors' arms.
As the day went on my labor pains started to get stronger and closer and of course I was dialating more. I decided I had enough pain as it was to deal with the rest so I got an epidural around five or six, and let me tell ya, it is one amazing drug. Josh called me loopy, but i think i was just so glad to be out of all that pain.
We had so many great friends and family come to visit throughout the day and show their love and support. My broken heart was so filled with love and gratitude for everything everyone did for us that day, and every day to follow.
Josh's parents and Zach had been with us already and shortly Carol and Tara made it to the hospital as well. My dad and Nykele were on their way up from Nevada, and by some miracle, my mom was able to find a flight from Washington D.C. (where she was at with Hunter on a school trip) to Idaho Falls just in time for Nykele and dad to pick her up and finish their trip to rexburg.
Thirty minutes after my family made it to the hospital, it was time to start pushing. I have never been more phyically exhausted in my life. But having Josh there right beside me, seeing the love and pain in his eyes made me want to try harder. My doctor (Dr. Hopkin) was great, and so was my nurse. I was kind of a crazy women and would sit and chat in between pushes. It was my way of making things easier, between the labor, and the pain in my heart. All three of them just had smiles on their faces and talked right on back to me.
Finally after about thirty minutes of pushing, at 12:05 a.m, Braxton was born. Seeing the lifeless, limp body with the cord around his neck and whole body, was something no mother should have to see. Josh and I didnt hold back. We cried and cried and cried. Finally Braxton was cleaned up and Josh got to hold him for a while while i was getting stitched up. We had a moment to ourselves, but it was getting so late that we let the families come in and have their chance at holding our perfect son's body. The spirit in the room was so strong! Seeing the love and hurt in everyone's faces was bittersweet. The veil was so thin. Everyday I wish I could go back to that moment because of how close we could feel Braxton's spirit with us. It was the most amazing feeling I have ever felt. It is so indescribable. How Grateful we are to know God's plan, for our Savior and his atoneing sacrifice, and for the love they have for all of us! God is so much smarter than we are. He knows what we are capable of. He never puts us through anything we cant handle with out Him by our side. He will never leave us, especially in times of trouble. I wish so badly to be holding my baby boy right now, but i know he is in the next best place. What better place is there to be then in our Fathers arms. Baby Braxton, We love you and miss you so much!!!
As they got the IV's in me and started me on potocin, my aunt Jennifer called and talked to me about her experience with her first baby who was a stillborn also. I found comfort in what she had to say escpecially when she told my that my Braxton was just too perfect for this world. All he needed was to receive a body and that is what he got.
I started my labor with hate in my heart. I kept thinking, "why do I have to do this? I dont want to go through labor and in the end never hear those sweet first cries." I was bitter and angry. It wasn't fair.
Mine and Josh's bishop (bishop Christensen) showed up shortly along with a very good family friend, Leon Bleggi. We received Preisthood blessings that helped soften our hearts, and afterwards sat and talked about how perfect our little Braxton is and how lucky he is to be in our Saviors' arms.
As the day went on my labor pains started to get stronger and closer and of course I was dialating more. I decided I had enough pain as it was to deal with the rest so I got an epidural around five or six, and let me tell ya, it is one amazing drug. Josh called me loopy, but i think i was just so glad to be out of all that pain.
We had so many great friends and family come to visit throughout the day and show their love and support. My broken heart was so filled with love and gratitude for everything everyone did for us that day, and every day to follow.
Josh's parents and Zach had been with us already and shortly Carol and Tara made it to the hospital as well. My dad and Nykele were on their way up from Nevada, and by some miracle, my mom was able to find a flight from Washington D.C. (where she was at with Hunter on a school trip) to Idaho Falls just in time for Nykele and dad to pick her up and finish their trip to rexburg.
Thirty minutes after my family made it to the hospital, it was time to start pushing. I have never been more phyically exhausted in my life. But having Josh there right beside me, seeing the love and pain in his eyes made me want to try harder. My doctor (Dr. Hopkin) was great, and so was my nurse. I was kind of a crazy women and would sit and chat in between pushes. It was my way of making things easier, between the labor, and the pain in my heart. All three of them just had smiles on their faces and talked right on back to me.
Finally after about thirty minutes of pushing, at 12:05 a.m, Braxton was born. Seeing the lifeless, limp body with the cord around his neck and whole body, was something no mother should have to see. Josh and I didnt hold back. We cried and cried and cried. Finally Braxton was cleaned up and Josh got to hold him for a while while i was getting stitched up. We had a moment to ourselves, but it was getting so late that we let the families come in and have their chance at holding our perfect son's body. The spirit in the room was so strong! Seeing the love and hurt in everyone's faces was bittersweet. The veil was so thin. Everyday I wish I could go back to that moment because of how close we could feel Braxton's spirit with us. It was the most amazing feeling I have ever felt. It is so indescribable. How Grateful we are to know God's plan, for our Savior and his atoneing sacrifice, and for the love they have for all of us! God is so much smarter than we are. He knows what we are capable of. He never puts us through anything we cant handle with out Him by our side. He will never leave us, especially in times of trouble. I wish so badly to be holding my baby boy right now, but i know he is in the next best place. What better place is there to be then in our Fathers arms. Baby Braxton, We love you and miss you so much!!!
Hopes Shattered
My heart has been shattered into so many different pieces. It has only been 3 weeks, but it feels like forever ago that i last felt his little nudges. It was 3 weeks ago today that i last felt him move. We were so excited! We had our doctors appointment and my dr scraped my membranes to hopefully further me along into labor. I didn't know it at the moment, but had i been further dialated, my dr was going to induce me that day. I think about it now and in a way I blame myself for not being further along in labor. That's where that "why" or the "if only" shows up. That night I felt my sweet little Braxton moving more than i ever have before. Almost like a goodbye to us. I remember telling Josh "wow, Braxton has some energy tonight!" If olny i had know that what he was really doing was twisting himself up too tight in the cord.
The next day I was still very hopeful that i would be going into labor soon. I tried to keep myself busy so the time could go by faster. I went for a long walk up the temple hill road. I remember sitting on the bench when i got to the temple thinking how excited i was to hopefully soon meet my little guy! I went to work that night still hoping my labor pains would be more frequent.
That night Josh and i made my favorite dessert... peach cobler!!! You would think i would be more aware of that fact that my baby wasnt moving, but i was completely oblivious to the lifeless Braxton inside me.
Not until the next morning did i start getting worried. Josh has already gone to work and I was getting ready for the day. My contratctions were 15-20 minutes apart and i realized my baby wasnt moving. I called my dr's office and they said to come in so we can find the heartbeat.
As Josh and i were driving to the office, he told me that one of his co-workers were saying that all her babies quit moving once they were about ready to come out, so we were thinking this is it! We were so hopeful, so excited!
We go through the normal routine and as the dr puts the doppler on my tummy, usually it was instant to hear his heart beat, but this time there was nothing..... he moved it around a bit.....nothing..... moved it around cocked his head..... looked at the nurse and shook his head. Tears started rolling as i tried to hold them back. I didnt believe it. I was in denial. We moved into the ultrasound room to look at the heart and when he found the heart and there was no movement, the pain in my heart was so unbearable. This wasnt happening. It couldn't happen. We wanted him so so bad! Josh and i sat there holding eachother and crying until the Dr. came back in. We were given further instruction to get ammitted in the hospital so i could be induced. We left the office with broken hearts, clinging to eachother, in hopes that this wasnt real
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